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15 May 2007 @ 12:14 am
For raihon SO SORRY :|  
So sorry raihon. I realise how incredbly late this is and I apologise so much! Hope it's what you wanted. The vid is taking me forever, but I promise I'll get there. It's an awesome Sylar song :)

On the plus, this really made me want more heidi/nathan fic :P

title: outside looking in
rating: r
pairing: nathan/heidi.
notes: thanks to lostandalone22 for the beta :)

Heidi knows what people say behind her back, the looks they give her.

She’s come to accept the pity and the sympathy, just like she’s come to accept the guilt Nathan will always carry about the accident. Sometimes when she lays awake with Nathan’s hand on the small of her back, breath hot on the back of her neck, will she hate him too. She watches with envy, the lingering touches he gives Peter, the looks he throws his brother's way and he realises there will always be three in this relationship, too.

Nathan loves her, she knows that. He shows it too, with his soft kisses, whispered promises, and the way he touches her, oh so carefully, on the few occasions he’s made love to her since. The way his hand caresses her body, her breast, his lips caressing skin that’s laid untouched in months. She loves him when he looks at her like she’s the only thing that matters, the only thing he cares for right then.

He hasn’t looked at her like that since the accident.

It isn’t something they can help, not with the guilt and the anger. She’s bitter, too, at Peter, but she loves him like the brother she never had and it confuses her. She says the way they’ve been interacting, recently, the way Peter sweeps Monty from his feet, showering her son with all the attentions he lavishes so lovingly on Nathan. See’s Nathan’s fingers curl on Peter’s elbow, a warning, to some, to be careful, but she knows it’s protection of another sort she see’s in Nathan’s eyes. The sort that whispers be careful to Peter, for Peter too.

She guides the wheelchair into the room and see’s Nathan’s eyes cloud over almost instantly. It’s not something she can help, but she wants to work on it. They deserve better, the both of them, but they’ve promised to make it work more times than she can count. Monty grins at her from Peter’s shoulder and she catches Simon’s gloomy expression before Peter’s hand lands on his shoulder. She marvels, then, at the effect Peter has on them all, when his attention is on you, it’s like you’re the only thing that matters, and she can forgive Nathan, now, because he’s Peter’s brother, and she knows what it’s like to want to protect what you have.

Peter isn’t a possession, but when Heidi and Nathan fight over him, it’s just like that, that they’re fighting over Peter. She wishes she had the courage to confront him, to warn him that Nathan is doting on him so hard he’s beginning to forget about the rest of his family, his wife and his children. Peter’s eyes capture hers and his smile wraps around the thought and forces it from her head. She can no more blame him than she can blame herself or Nathan. This is something that happens and they can get around it. She just needs –

She isn’t sure what, just knows that she wants Nathan the way she used to.

“Hey. Are you feeling better?” It’s Peter that asks, but it is Nathan she turns to, see’s the happiness in his face when he looks at her and she wonders if she’s imagined the distance all along. She wheels forward, over to Nathan and he squeezes her shoulder gently, in an imitation of the one Peter’s just given Simon. She musters up the best smile she can in this moment, and it seems to satisfy him for now. The curl in his eyebrows, the look in his eyes suggests he knows something’s on her mind, but they all have secrets.

She’s more of a Petrelli, now, than maybe he knows.

They don’t gather like this often, and when they do Angela is there too. Heidi likes her, but she see’s the way she’s twisted Nathan into doing what was set out for him, the path that was laid and she resents her just a little for that. If things had been different, if Nathan had been allowed to lead his own life, maybe they would have met under different circumstances, and maybe he would have loved her that little bit more.

His arm tightens and she gives him another tight smile. There’s a tenseness there that they’re both only beginning to realise and Peter senses it because he sweeps the children from the room with muttered words and promises of cake. Nathan’s attempts at rebuttal are lost as the door shuts them in, and Heidi thanks Peter in the back of her mind.

Maybe he realises, too, what’s going on and his empathy has always surprised her, his ability to sense what Nathan needs, when he needs it, and it’s the most agreeable she’s been towards him for days.

Nathan bends down and looks her in the eye. “What is it?” His words are soft, and she watches the mask of the politician fall away, leaving just Nathan behind, and he’s so beautiful and kind and caring she wonders how Angela can miss just how wonderful her eldest son is, how brilliant he could be this way as congressman, President.

“Nothing I won’t get over.” She touches his face and smiles when he relaxes, just that little bit more into her hand. They used to have moments like this, before, when she could walk. She doesn’t resent those times, but she misses them more and more. It’s different now, but not always for the worst. He leans forward and brushes his lips against hers, carefully like everything else, but then deepens it. He wraps his emotion around hers, bringing her close until she feels that she could drown in what Nathan’s giving her.

It’s hard to be his wife, sometimes, when he’s like this. She can almost forget his distance, the way he hurts her and his obvious indifference towards her at times. But she knows that she can’t let him go, and wonders at the same time if this is the way Peter feels, because in the end it all comes down to Peter. For Nathan, and by default for her, it will always be about Peter.

She will stick by him, though, and love him because it’s all she can do. She loves her sons and she loves Nathan, and even though she doesn’t think, sometimes, that she’s strong enough, she’s the only thing keeping them all together for now.

She just hopes that Nathan will remember them, from time to time, and love them like he loves his brother.

On another plus, I started the Petrelli back story and you can check out the first part here, or you can wait till it's all done :D Hope you like!
Current Mood: awakeawake
Raihon: HappyMohinderraihon on May 16th, 2007 12:38 am (UTC)
Oh, wow. This was totally worth the wait! There's such a brave sadness to Heidi in this story, and the way you portray her view of her relationship with Nathan has a pragmatism and maturity to it that feels very real. I loved it!

And my god, don't feel like you have to make all three things on my list! You go above and beyond the call of duty.

Thank you so much!!
{    ♫ siri ♫    }thisissirius on May 16th, 2007 12:53 am (UTC)
*gasp* But you must get everything you asked for :)

I'm glad you liked this. I found my Heidi!voice working really well once I got into it!
hold me and watch the apocalypse: heroes - hiroquarterturn on July 10th, 2007 02:45 am (UTC)
Congratulations, this story was nominated for Best Short Het Fic at the bestofheroes Fanfiction Awards! Winners will be announced July 30th, good luck!
hold me and watch the apocalypse: heroes - hiroquarterturn on July 10th, 2007 06:56 am (UTC)
It is late and I shouldn't be allowed near a keyboard. It was also nominated for Best Other Het Pairing (R-NC17). :)